Just a little fun

Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.